After a night of binge-watching serial killer documentaries, I found myself having an uncontrollable urge to hurt my mum and anyone that crossed my path. It felt like I was in a maze of darkness and I was trying my hardest to get out of it. Unable to snap myself out of the daze, I pulled my mum aside and explained every dark thought that came to my mind. That night I went to sleep scared. I tried my best to ignore the voices. I remember hugging my pillow tight, resisting the urge to go to the kitchen to get a knife to murder my mum. I actually can’t believe I’m writing this for the world to see. Often you read the news of someone who went on a killing spree. They were fine the day before, then went on a rampage the next day. That would have been me, but I recited bible scriptures every time those thoughts came to my mind. This helped to quiet the voices. It felt like I was possessed, unable to see clearly and think straight. To the world, I could see properly, but I knew there was a dark wool blurring my vision.
I was unable to commute without a voice in my mind saying “Aren’t you curious what would happen if you pushed someone in front of the train?”, “Don’t you want to know what it feels like to see someone die in front of you?” , “Don’t you want to find out if you can get away with murder?” Those words were strong and loud, and that was all I could hear. So I would read scripture 2 Corinthians 10:5, then go to the back of the platform. As soon as the voice realised I wouldn’t listen to it, suicidal thoughts started to come to my mind.
The voice would always say “If you don’t want to get your hands dirty, why don’t you just kill yourself and get this torture over with” Soon enough I started contemplating how I would take my life. Those feelings got so strong, I prayed to God to take my life away in my sleep, watch over my family and ease their pain.
Whenever this feeling got really strong and I found myself unable to pray, I would call my Christians friend Tobi, or Yinka. They are understanding and knew just what to say to help ease those feelings away. I could no longer watch violent movies and I avoided reading the newspaper. I created a safe haven by reading the scriptures and getting closer to God. No one knew I had this problem except my Mum and closest friends. It’s just not something you tell people…well until now.
The eyes truly are the window to your soul, so be careful what you watch and feed your minds with. Also, the power of life and death lies in the tongue, so be careful what you say. Without God, I don’t know where I would have ended up. Satan wanted to see me either rot in prison or six feet under. However, my God has other plans for me and he is great. Going through this has given me the capability to have more empathy and sympathy for others. I’m a lot more patient with people, understanding and nicer. Everyone is fighting their own battles and demons, it takes nothing away from you by being nicer to others.
And yes, of course, I’m going to seek medical help soon. I want to talk to a therapist and continue to heal from this. Thank you for reading, I hope you have a blessed and amazing day.
Side Note: Here are the scriptures that helped me during this period of my life.
I read Psalm 3, Psalm 24 and Psalm 91, Psalm 62:5-7 before I went to bed.
Isaiah 41:10, 1 John 4:18, Hebrew 13:6, 2 Corinthians 10:5, Romans 12:21, Joshua 1:9, Ephesians 6:10-11 were the scripture I meditated on when those thoughts came. I listened to Hillsong Album Glorious Ruins, Listened and read the book of Psalms also.
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