The word associate with bitch springs a negative connotation to mind. According to the urban dictionary, it means a woman with a bad attitude, amongst many other definitions. For as long as I can remember people have often, sometimes associate the word with me, without fail to leave me confused and upset. As mentioned countless times, growing up I was bullied a lot which made me develop a meek personality, ready to people-please my way through life because I wanted people to like me. On the days I couldn’t put on the facade, I would snap, letting my feelings out without caring for the consequences, by doing that people would call me a bitch. With a meek personality, I was an easy target, trying to defend myself, be assertive and telling the truth would prompt the word bitch to roll off the tongue of people. What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I get it right? Why do people make me feel bad for standing up for myself?
A particular incident happened in college, a girl I used to be extremely close to would often be mean to me behind closed doors, wouldn’t defend me when a guy that liked her picked on my flawless despite knowing that I had insecurity issues, would do things that made me reach my limit. When I feel like my back is against the wall, I tend to lash out without paying no attention to my surroundings, which puts me in a bad light and paint me as the short-tempered villain, with people not knowing what triggered it off. As the truth bomb left my mouth like verbal diarrhoea, the word spread around the class that I made her cry, which she used to her advantage, turning people against me. Those few weeks were tough, and it made me feel bad about myself. However, looking back at the past I am glad I stood up for myself even though people thought of me as a bitch, and hated me for it.
The way I view myself, I have my insecurities, I mean, who doesn’t? However, my personality exudes confidence, with a go-getter attitude which sometimes throws people off. Often, people tell me that I carry myself in a prestigious, elegant manner thus approaching, and interact with me differently than they would with other peers. Two days ago, I had a conversation with my co-worker who told me that I’m friendly and warm however she knows not to cross her boundaries with me as I have a no nonsense attitude. In a way, I love that people think of me in that way, but I feel sad and guilty that my assertiveness and confidence make me feel like I’m being selfish, and lack empathy for speaking my mind and being self-assured. I’ve tolerated a lot from people, and it’s made me develop a strong backbone despite it all, my heart is always in the right place maybe my delivery on things need to be tweaked to avoid unintentionally hurting people’s feelings.