Imagine, a girl pacing back and forth her room, pondering about a topic, and if it’s the right decision. Erasing each opening paragraph, while gazing out the window as the sun beams on her face, deciding whether or not she’s oversharing her life to total strangers, who will probably have opinions once they finish reading it. Am I going to be judged for opening up about a subject that has been a constant problem, or do I keep it to myself and share my situation to my closest friends.
Over the past weeks, I’ve been tweeting about my daily struggles with feeling sad, alone and being empty. Last night, I was on my bed, eyes shut trying to get some sleep when a thought of my father slipped into my mind. The immediate reaction I felt was anger, deep volcanic anger that almost prompted me to go through my contact to send an angry message explaining my feelings and thoughts about him, mentally recording the words I’d text him. On occasions, my mum has always brought up my dad in our discussion, telling me to build a relationship with him as she sees I’m still affected by his past behaviour.
Each time, I can’t fathom reaching out to a person who’s cowardly actions, has caused sadness, insecurities in regards to love and men, and self-love. A man that was meant to be an inspiration when looking for traits in a partner, someone who I know wants, need and love me. Someone who would selfishly put my needs first. I just can’t fathom the idea of reuniting with a guy that made my mum feel heartache, sadness and pain. Seeing her cry herself to sleep, every night when I was a child, was a painful sight to experience. Feeling hopeless as there was nothing I could do to console her. That experience destroyed me. Then on, I vowed to shut him out of my life for good.
You didn’t even fight for my love, try to win my trust and affections
My reactions were out of mind, out of sight but by doing that, I was suppressing my feelings, instead of dealing with it. Now, I’m stuck at my twenty’s, trying to find ways to revisit old wounds, deal with it and heal from them. But, how can I successfully deal with them, if I’m stubborn to contact and confront the root of my problems? After all, I have tried to reconnect, but that turned out to be a disaster. How can you miss years of my life, return briefly, and expect me to treat you like a father when you haven’t treated me like a daughter.
You didn’t even fight for my love, try to win my trust and affections. You didn’t even do anything to make me feel special. You didn’t even make me feel like I was worth your love and attention. All you cared about was yourself. Now I can’t stop seeking love in the hands of men, and friends that are emotionally unavailable, yearning for their love and attention.
Why have you caused me great pain? Why do you hate me? Do you even know that I refer to you, as the first guy to break my heart? Thanks to your actions, I’m part of the statistics of women labelled to have daddy issues. However, I’m determined and focused to fixing myself, and soon you’ll be a distant memory. Memory that causes no pain, or put tears in my eyes thinking about it. I’ve made it this long without you, and I’ll continue to make it in life without you.
There’s no happy ending, as it’s a situation I’m currently sorting out. I promise you, with every fibre of my bones, strength from the core of my stomach, with God almighty strength and grace, I will lead a happy, successful life, with a good husband who will show my children what unconditional love is, and be present in their lives. Soon, you’ll be a resolved, distant memory that causes no negative reactions.